Blockhead || Essay By Kathy Merrigan
Blockhead
As a writer, I am frequently found in front of my laptop. The cursor winks at me coyly as if to say, “Come on, Kat what have you got for me today?” In those moments when I’m flush with ideas or have a specific topic in mind, I accept its invitation with a smile and off we go down a fantastical road of memories, thoughts, and observations.
But when I’m tapped out, when I’ve been praying and thinking for days and coming up empty, and the deadline is looming, the cursor is no longer my old friend but my sworn enemy. Its sole reason for existence is to mock me. With each blink it seems to say, “You’ve got nothing. You’ve got nothing. Clock’s ticking. You’ve got nothing.” This is usually the point where I log off, slam my laptop shut and go lie down, typically in the fetal position.
The term writer’s block is a real thing. If new ideas come fairly easy to you, the first time you experience the block it can be scary. If you tend to overthink (as I do), you begin to envision the worst-case scenario: I’ll never have another creative thought again. It’s over. My mind races obsessing over one-hit wonders and people who created a masterpiece and then never achieved that level again. In my colorful imagination, I am now joining their ranks. In the not-too-distant future, “She died as a consequence of the ‘sophomore jinx’” will be my epitaph as I die penniless in a gutter in some obscure part of the world.
This scenario might seem a bit overly dramatic to you. You’d be right. The problem is when I’m experiencing the block, my mixed-up brain sees it as a plausible outcome. I do, however, take some small comfort in knowing my creativity well hasn’t run completely dry. If I can still imagine such a vivid demise, there’s hope. It does prick my conscience though to keep a watchful eye on my dark side. I scare me sometimes.
Eventually, by the grace of God, the block usually lifts, and my mind returns to telling stories not crafting horrific eulogies. But for those hours or days when I’m stuck in the block, it’s not easy. My eating and sleeping habits can be affected. I might indulge in some adult beverages to quiet my thoughts. Even if I go for a run or walk in nature, I’m not fully able to enjoy it. My footsteps echo the cadence of the blinking cursor’s taunts, “You’ve got nothing. You’ve got nothing. Clock’s ticking. You’ve got nothing.” Instead of feeling refreshed and reinvigorated, I end up annoyed. How dare my creativity go on hiatus when I need it! How could this have happened?
How indeed.
I’m sure there are many theories postulated by great thinkers concerning a block’s origin. I always say I’m a resident expert on absolutely nothing. I can and will only speak from my own experiences.
So, what causes my writer’s block?
I have no idea. Don’t you think if I knew I’d take the appropriate measures to prevent its inevitable return? No one wants the block. No one goes to sleep at night praying to have zero creative output come the next morn.
Over the years I’ve read some articles which encourage you to just start writing. It doesn’t matter what you write, just write. This might be an effective technique for some, but it hasn’t proven helpful for me. Once again, the cursor mocks me as I type my stream of consciousness, “Are you kidding me? You’re gonna delete that, right? Trust me, you don’t even want to go back and proofread that sentence. It’s not fixable. Delete. Delete. Delete.” Shut the laptop. Return to bed. Resume fetal position.
What is the solution for my block? I don’t know if there is one. I may just need to accept I’ll have times where my tank is almost empty. I may have to wait until divine inspiration fills it back up again. Or I could just write a piece on how I’ve got writer’s block, and I can’t conceive of anything to write about. That’s always another way to go.
Kat Merrigan was born and raised in New York. She is a published author, blogger, podcaster and actress who recently made her feature film debut in the independent movie “Tried By Fire” from Broadwil Films. Her work has appeared in Flights e-Journal and Instant Noodles. She has been featured in a Cloaked Press anthology, Calla Press, and Academy Of the Heart and Mind. She narrated one of her pieces for the Story Unlikely podcast. She hosts a blog on her site www.katmerrigan.com. She also provides fresh content through IG: Kat Controversy and FB: Kathy Merry.
